Read the whole post, I'll explain it all. LOL

!!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR !!!!







.....wait..... shit.







Mkay, so it's the 15th, scratch that, the 18th of January, what's your point? It's been less than a month since my last post, so *insert me sticking my tongue out here*.







So, it's a new year.

Yesterday I drove to Ottawa to meet up with some girls from my chat board and spend the afternoon working on our scrapbooks. I was semi-excited, more nervous than anything. I was the first to arrive, the other 4 girls filtered in throughout the next 10 minutes. And wouldn't you know that the next 5 hours passed with minimal speaking? Like seriously, it coulda been detention for the amount of verbalization that went on. Oy. It was painful. And any attempt to start conversation was totally grounded before takeoff. "Do you have kids? -Yep, two. Two years and 8 months." Period. End of conversation. No expanding, no asking back, no names, no funny shit they had done that morning, no "I had breakfast and I want everyone to know it!". Nothing. It was like pulling teeth. I finally quit asking, cause I felt like a detective. Or a stalker. Or both. *le sigh*

On a FAR more interesting topic.......

So your fiance wrote you a beatiful love letter? Was it longer than 3 words? And did any of those 3 words contain spelling errors? Could you read it yourself or did you need a translator?







So your fiance wrote you a beautiful love letter? Pshaw.







Mine paid the utilities. This month. And on time. And not because someone is threatening to throw them out if they don't.






Beat that.




Sooooo, in conclusion... good riddance to bad rubbish.


'Cause any man who needs to raise his voice to his (even remotely potential) mother in law is no man. True story.





So that was the post that I wrote last month. And then never posted, because I had soooooo much more to add to the Thing #2 part but then I felt like I might be compromising my morals so I dropped it.



I try to abide by the rule that I won't type anything that I wouldn't say in real life, and I make a point not to bad mouth anyone on the off chance that said person could read it and track me down. LOL. I also won't post in anger, or about issues with The Man... unless said anger or issue has a funny side, 'cause then it's fair game.



So there are my moral rules for ~Sar.kat.stic~. Interesting, non?



And, in probably the longest blog post ever (if you ignore the fact that they're actually two posts blended together....) I'm gonna make you barf.



Seriously.



Well, you may just gag, but that urge to barf will be there.



Two nights ago The Man did something sooooooo beautiful and heartwrenchingly romantical that it still brings a flutter to my heart and maybe some tears to my eyes. Well, not right IN my eyes, but I feel them pricking.

And I can't give you ANY details! Isn't that a BITCH?!?!

For realz, I can't say anymore than that.

'Cause it'll burn out your eyeballs.

And it'll give you mental pictures that you don't need.

And I may be afraid that explaining it would make it sound silly, or not as emotional, or a 'had to be there' kinda thing.

And it's gonna remain a private memory for me and The Man.

Just rest assured that I m.e.l.t.e.d. He had to mop me off the floor, I was liquified. ♥

Zumbaaaaaaaaaaa!!!

Last Friday I went to a Zumba Master class. Don't ask me what that means, all I know is there was a guy up onstage and my instructor Christal was doing the class along with us. And it was brutal!!! Jaime (pronounce HI-ME, you know, with that ghhh ghhh ghhh gutteral empahsis on the HI part) came down from Ottawa to lead us in some Rah Rah- Move Your A$$- Don't forget to SMILE kinda excerdance stuff.

Have you ever heard of "butterface"? Here, I'll use it in a sentence.

That chick was smokin'! Everywhere butterface!

Get it? But her face?!?! K. Now that I've explained it, HI-ME was smokin' hot. He moved like he came dancing out of his mothers womb. He wore different hats for different songs (cheesy but he looked good in every.single.one), and could shake his a$$ and give Shakira a run for her money. Oh yes, HI-ME was easy on the eyes............. butupclose.

Bwahahahaha! Oh, I'm so bad! Seriously though! I came a couple minutes late because I wasn't really sure where the highschool was that we were having the class in, and therefore got a spot at the very back of the room. Aww, too bad, NOT. At least then there's no one behind me to giggle and point. Except those 2 highschool boys in the sound booth. And I'm pretty sure when I glanced back at them they were busy with kleenex mopping up their BLEEDING EYES. LOL.

So from my position, HI-ME was a little lucious. Okay, more than a little lucious. Did I mention that HI-ME was some sort of exotic flavour too? Yup. Not sure where he originally hails from, but it's certainly not somewhere BORING like South Western Ontario. Annnnnyways, about halfway through the class HI-ME and Christal split the group into two opposing teams in an a$$ shake off, and he finally came within 100 feet of me. And I was SO.DISAPPOINTED. Ugh. It still makes me frown.

But props to the guy because he had every.single.one.of.us panting and holding our heads between our knees by the end of the class. I felt it for 3 days after and I can only hope in the new year that Christal ups the intensity of her class to match his. Because then I'll love her and hate her all in the same breath. And I'll feel like I got my money's worth.

On an entirely separate note, I'm going to be making a trip to the homeland this weekend! Woot! Woot! The Man has to work all weekend, and attend a work site party (poor baby *insert eye roll here*) and both extended family dinners are being held this weekend, so I'm gonna trek it out myself with The Boy, The Girl and Whiskey (the DOG people, THE DOG!). So I hope you're all as excited as I am. For moving as far away as we did, I think I still have yet to miss a major family get together, LOL. But when shipping the gifts home this week costs almost as much as gas in the van to drive it, I'd rather get some family time with it.

Ciao!

Someone hand me the spork...

I may have to gouge my eyes out. Only because I think that would be considerably less painful than other procedures one could perform with a spork. Or maybe not... but hey! the eyes are readily available. And it makes for a nice mental picture.

Some things make me ponder what goes through other people's minds. Forgive me for being vague, but I'm gonna be. Oy.

Annnnnnnnnnyways, I was going to post for hump day this week, but I'm late... late for hump day!!! Geesh.

I feel like humping things anyways, so here it goes.

Hump M&M's. I had a brief love affair with you a couple of weeks ago. It was intense, mindblowingly breathtaking... it was HAWT. I cut you loose and haven't looked back, but when I saw your picture in the Food Basics flyer for $2.49 this week... twofreakingfortynine... OH EM GEE... I had to catch my breath. So help me, I won't look into your eyes until this flyer is no longer applicable.

Hump Christmas cards. My hand is cramped, my brain is fried, and I think I may be feeling just a teensy bit queasy at all the nice writing that I had to do this week.

Hump the library lady who thought I was the most AWESOMEST mom eva for hooking my kid up with a laptop and headphones and a Mighty Machines dvd while I printed some stuff at the library this afternoon. And she wasn't being facetious. She really thought I was cool. And for once, someone in this world thought 'man, I wish she was MY mom!'

Hump those two frigging dogs of my neighbours. The ones that keep trying to dig their way under my fence to canoodle with Whiskey (the dog people, the DOG!). And her recall SUCKS when this happens, I can stand at the patio door hollering "Whiskey!!! Whiskey!!! Come!!! " for 15 minutes and that dog would act like she was 90 with no hearing aids. Dick. And then my neighbours look at me funny. Or funnier, depending on how many times this has happened in a day. Dicks.

Hump my four readers. Okay, so there's only three of you, but I'll just randomly hope that some poor pitiful person has stumbled across my blog and is entranced by my wit and charm and checks everyday in the hopes that theres something new and clever to read.

Hump people that are going to send me to therapy. Seriously. I hump you.

More Monday Randoms

• Monday's suck the big one. I might even go as far as saying that Monday's suck big fat monkey balls, but I think I'm reserving that title for certain PEOPLE instead of days of the week.
• I've lost 4 lbs since I posted about losing weight. Meh, I'm not excitedly happy about this, but I'm bound and determined that those 4 little lbs won't return. So much so that I put the bag of M&M's back on the shelf at Walmart this morning. That says nothing about what went down while visiting the homeland.
• Just booked the room at the Inn for The Man and I after his work party. Tres excited about this.
• Whiskey (the DOG people, the DOG!) sheds entirely too much. Swiffering once a day doesn't even help it. A clipper with the guard removed may.
• Last week I unsubscribed from my very favourite blog. Booo. She said some weird stuff out of the blue about an event that happened two years ago, and to be honest, the laughs I got from her two years ago just aren't worth it anymore. I'm kinda sad, but I hope she figures out her mental and emotional issues, cause big laughs for me aren't nearly as important as her finally being happy and stable in her own life.
• If any of you post what I said above and insert my name in the next 10 years I will hunt you down and kill you.
• Saw Thing 4 for a couple days this week, while visiting the homeland. Baby Thing 4 is growin', and I'm lovin' the teeth.
• Looking forward to seeing Thing 1, S~Nic~Kers, Thing 5 and hmmmm, what the heck am I gonna call that last one? Thing 5 II because they're so alike? Rev. Thing 5 a la his school name? Mr. Thing 5? Gonna have to think on that one.

Happy Monday!

Monday Randoms

• The Boy is definitely feeling the effects of not attending playgroup during this H1N1 outbreak. He's driving me bonkers and needs some little friends.
• I've lost 4lbs in two weeks. Hey, it's a start.
• I'm going to a Zumba class on Tuesday night that's going to be 90 minutes of pure, unadulterated bliss. And two males joined our class last week. Awkward.
• The Girl has a gorgeous white sweater, that has fur(ish) stuff inside it, FUR! I'd beat her up and steal it, but I'm afraid she'd know who to report. So I'm looking for a minion, someone who's not afraid to take candy from a baby, or sweaters from a pre-teen, whichever the case may be. And I'm open to both options. Apply if interested.
• The Boy is talking a lot more now. And he shakes his finger at you when he says "NO". It's.awesome. And he's not so easily satisfied now. If you can't figure out what he's talking about, he.will.not.let.it.go. So much so that he'll grab you by your cheeks and continue saying the undecipherable word whilst staring you deep in your eyes with that "What in the sam bejesus is wrong with you?!?" look that makes you feel like a complete blubbering idiot. He does this often.
• The Man bought a saw that cost more than my minivan. 'Nuff said
• The Man and I are puzzlers! Yup, we bought one of those 10 pack puzzle boxes from Walmart and we're on our second puzzle. We even have one of those handy dandy roller thingy's to store the puzzle when we're not working on it. Go ahead and laugh, I'll wait. Done? Not yet? Continue. Mmmkay, all good then. We like it. It sure beats turning on one of our old movies and having The Man fall asleep on the couch until the credits roll, or worse, he's watching the movie through his eyelids and I'm in the other room on the internetz. Yeah, we're puzzling geeks.

Happy Monday!

I've decided that I'm gonna lose weight. Big deal right? Yeah, I know.

Whoop-dee-do.

Annnnyways.....

I've joined a class at the gym around the corner (not the actual gym just a class held there) called Zumba

*don't you feel thinner already?!?*

and its led by a peppy little chick named Christal. And yes, it is spelled like that. She's about yaaaay big *hold fingers up just a leeetle bit apart*, and she wears her hair up in a ponytail about this high *pointing to the very top of my head* and smiles like her face is going to break. Ugh.

But I digress.

It's like an aerobics/dance/shoot me because these women keep !wooing! like they're having chocolate sundaes while riding a rollercoaster class. Two weeks ago it was my first class, and it was a freebie. Designed to suck you in with those gyrating hips, the shaking bosoms, the perky clapping, and then the next class they hit you with the fees. Smart marketing people, smart marketing.

And tonight I bought the card entitling me to 9 more blissful sessions!

Seriously, I think I may actually hate this class. I considered just buying the 5 pack of lessons, but thought, "what the he11 else am I going to do to shed the pounds?" and bought 10. Now I'm thinking if I hit the 4 available classes every week I'll be done those mutha's in 2 1/2 weeks! Yah baby yah!

There is also a bag of fruit sitting on my dining room table. And if I have to eat it, so does The Family. Whiskey (the DOG people, THE DOG!) may get an exemption, but ONLY because I'm the one who picks up after her outside and I'm not messing with that pile of poo. Literally.

One of my biggest sorrows with starting this whole 'watch what you eat, move your ass a bit more, drop some of that extra blahhh' are my screwdrivers. And no, I don't mean the rubber handled doo-hickeys that the Man asks for by name "Hon, could you hand me the red robby?"

Me --> "The who in the where now?!?"

No, I mean my beloved vodka and orange juice heaven. I read online today that one screwdriver is approximately 200 calories. :0 And that was for one serving, and I'm just taking a wild guess here, but my one serving never equals the one serving marked on the back of the package. 8 potato chips? 1 cup of cereal? 2 cookies? Pshawww. That's the kiddie version....right? Right?!?!

I ain't givin' them up. Nope. Won't do it. I'll cut back, sure. Well, sorta. I dunno. I'm not making any promises, okay?! A woman can only cut out so much white bread, chocolate and potato chips before she gnaws off her left arm in dieter's hell.

And I like my left arm.

So if anyone feels like joining me, feel free. Except YOU... Thing #5. *Pointing* You know exactly who you are. Unless you've put on the "freshman 15", if I so much as hear about you losing a pound I may have to pound y.... give you a hug and say you're perfect the way you are. Leave the pound dropping to us phat chicks. ;)

And here, now you can watch Christal in action.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYekJsCatxo

Ciao! *that's pronounced 'chow' in case yer too embarrassed to ask.*

Today is a sad day, my friends.

A sad day indeed.

Whiskey (the DOG people, THE DAMN DOG) has annihilated Woody. The Boy's cherished Woody doll. He was a 6 inch tall doll of unknown history (yay Value Village shopping mommy!), but he provided many hours of fun and laughter. And Whiskey (the DOG people, THE DOG!) decided that she'd had enough of his chipper "Howdy Partner!" and lively "There's a snake in my boot!" and tore Woody to pieces. Ugh. Now I'm charged with the job of hiding his mutilated body before The Boy wakes up, and damnit I'm gonna find a replacement too. Someday, somewhere, I'll piss Whiskey off (the DOG people, THE DOG!) and once again open our home to the perky voice of Woody hollering "Yer my FAVOURITE deputy!"

So there, DOG! I will win. I will. Mwahahahahahaha!